the big, fat, grinning cat

I really want to go. But I'm too chicken shit to pull the trigger.

Wasting away in my own head is taking too much time. Its your cue whenever you're ready.

I am trying to get up. Please stop kicking me down.

And even if you insist, I will eventually stand tall.

i can't pretend that i am happy or that i'm fine or that i'm content.

i've lost everything and i am truly my mother's daughter.

today is the day we buat kerja bodoh.

and believe it or not, our ride for today is a lorry! how exciting!

siaper nak ikut?

i decided to re-live my childhood and walk in the rain home. there's something poetic and romantic and fun, all at once. i slowed my footsteps, aching at each step that headed nearer to my house.

for some strange reason, the experience left such a deep sense of desire. a desire to be a child and stop the growing up process. a desire to share that moment with somebody and create your own little memories that seem forged from dreams. a desire for nostalgia at having that moment once long ago and being able to carry a small smile with you and each step you take.

the rain is indeed beautiful. i walked right into an envelope of security that surpassed my own want for physical perfection. it was one of those rare nights that i believed He was with me, displaying his comfort in the beauty of a simple passing shower.

i am content.

10. You are allergic to nearly everything that is wonderful. (Think peanuts, seafood, flowers, animals and anything that can possibly put a smile on your face)

9. You carry a little asthma pump in your bag so you can pump yourself while you are trying to drink and dance.

8. You actually believe that those blue toilet slippers are the most grunge fashion statement you have.

7. You look in the mirror and decide that your spectacles are actually pretty darn awesome.

6. You think make-up is a huge chore and decide no make-up is super cool. Why conceal those dark rings from your reading voraciously? Wear them like medals!

5. Clothes are just clothes. Their function is to cover important, private areas.

4. You do not need an mp3. The music is in your head, and better yet, you sound way better than Alicia Keys singing it out loud.

3. You believe that smoking actually makes you look a little less of a geek and more like Kurt Cobain. Face it; most geeks have taken to it.

2. Drinking hot tea and staring into oblivion is a lot cooler than dressing up and dancing the night away in a club.

1. You secretly enjoy your boring desk job and look forward to opening the pages of a new report everyday.

The majority of respondents is heavily skewed to being more highly educated as the number of Chinese and Others are over-represented. This can be attributed to the results of the Singapore Census Population in 2000 where the Chinese and Others tend to be more highly educated so the result is not surprising.

*This has been re-phrased due to possible copyright laws. The following point was taken from an observation by a PHD holder.

Hello, how can you make such a causal correlation? Just because your respondents are mostly Chinese and from Other races does not mean that the Malays and the Indians amongst your respondents actually contributed to the people who are, in your definition, supposedly "not highly educated". I know plenty of Malays and Indians who actually have diplomas, degrees and post-graduate degrees. I cannot believe you made a statement that is similar to that. I cannot believe that it was actually printed. I cannot believe they gave you a PHD because you know how to make causal relationships.

Somebody should give my a PHD because i can make causal relationships and assumptions too. Since those red apples are sour, all the red apples in the world are sour. I can't believe this is actually printed. What the hell were you thinking when you made such a racially-biased comment?

I could be just full of angst since its Monday. But its so merepek, i'm going to have kerepeks later. banana flavoured kerepeks. how apt.

What is wrong with these NUS students? They never heard of bidding small is it? And why do some of them have over a 1000 points. I only have 659 points on me left. ARGH!

I really wanted to take this module and i got out-bidded. The round isn't even over yet so i have to go manually appeal macam budak bodoh. Since i went to UCLA, i have been going round appealing and begging for classes for every fucking semester. UPSET OKAY. UPSET GILER BABI.

Because of that, i'm not going for the stupid gathering later. GUA UPSET! GUA NAK MINUM TEH HALIA AND MAKAN NASI GORENG KAMPONG BECAUSE THAT IS MY COMFORT FOOD. Sorry eh, i'm not macam orang putih, depressed pergi makan chocolate and ice-cream. Gua sedar gua ni orang raised in kampung kembangan.

you see, i'm not making any sense. Dah la bangun lambat. Dah la tak dapat module. UPSET!

i feel it creeping up on me.

there it is, that love-less, sorry and worn rag that stands hung where i last left it. why is it still dripping? i would think that in time, the rag would have dried out.

i guess, i never really could get rid of it. the pain i get from looking at it still brings me some sort of comfort. i will always be familiar with it. washing my face with a colourless potion brings no more relief. how then do i believe in prayer?

just came back from tampines with sal.

had a nice time chatting with her about how to make clothes and since i'm gung-ho, i shall attempt to make clothes from fabric. yes, i will attempt to sow. who knows? maybe can put sal out of business. which will never happen, because sal is like 10 years ahead of me la.

anyways, she placed a very old pic of me with blonde streaks. and i thought i managed to get rid of that pic for good. macam sial punye gambar. wanna know the real reason why i did it? well, it was during the umar phase and let's face it, back then the only girl he fully worshipped was... no prizes for guessing... beyonce.

okay, i am starting to talk like a ditz. but then a certain blog would say it is due to my IQ dropping significant points due to reading new paper whenever i can get my hands of it. i happen to like the new paper. its a very entertaining read and let's face it, if i did not read it, i would hardly have anything worth bitching about.

i should be going to sleep since i actually aim to wake up at 6am and get my butt to work by 8am so i can finish by 6pm and still be able to see the sun when i leave the office. i think i don't want to work. maybe i should just apply all over the place for a master's program, but then where would i get the money to do such a thing. my mom might have a fit as i'm suppose to be contributing to family income soon.

okay, talking about nothing is not worth talking about at all. bah. humbug.

i want you to love me.

but then maybe i need you to love me. so i do not feel inadequate. or maybe i would not feel insecure. or just maybe, so that i do not feel completely despondent.

and just maybe, i am tired of this lonliness i get whenever i feel sad.

so, i was actually pretty sick at work yesterday and drowsy and nauseous. for the past 6 days i've been working at an event where i am forced to be on my feet for a good 9+ hours. well, not actually forced but i felt there some were being complacent.

people were not volunteering for certain jobs and some decided to slack off. some of the guys had noticed that i made it a point to not slack off cause work is work and asked how i tahan. well, turns out my body couldn't take the freezing temperatures and i ended up sneezing continuously on the job. the supervisor came up to me and told me to go home cause i can't exactly chit-chat with people if i looked like crap. whatever la.

i had the option to take mc today or go to work cause my supervisor said it was ok if i didn't show up. which is why now i'm home happily having my mint tea. yay.

i have many grievances about the internship but i'm trying to suck it up a little bit more everyday. things at home will never get better and i usually get home and prepare to start a minor battle with the people at home. oh well. there really is nothing i can do. i'm too tired to put up a fight anymore.

i love going to work but right now i don't have to like it.

i think i'm depressed.

but work helps me avoid thinking about it too much. there is a God.

okay, i admit, i've disappeared for a couple of days after my exams. reason being, my cousin had a 4-day wedding so my whole weekend was burnt up.

today is literally the only day in my vacation. why? well, because i officially start work tomorrow at noise singapore and then its followed by my internship at NAC. and then its really back to school for the last semester and hopefully the rest of my life as a working adult. i am so sad i have no life.

the festival will be 10 days consecutively and they're whole day affairs at the Heeren level 5. do come with hugs cause i will need them. After that my posting is at NAC, not that i'll be able to club or anything cause i might be too tired and just die right there.

okay, i'm off to go look for modules for the new semester. wish me luck.

this is by far, according to my brother, one of the most disgusting, pig-like, repulsive things i have ever done.

i was eating a plate of rice for lunch. felt sick halfway, placed the half-eaten plate of rice on the table in front of the sofa, fell asleep on the sofa, woke up an hour later to continue eating my plate of rice. all this done without even standing up.

however, the context was that i was "sick" from the previous night's activities, had not eaten anything since breakfast the day before and needed to force myself to eat even if it meant taking a nap in between.

okay, i guess it was pretty disgusting. but i thought it was downright funny that a guy was making a ruckus at my expense.

i am so sleepy now. -yawns- and i still don't get it.

okay this is obviously me being very bored. i do not want to study because i am very, very lazy. instead of studying yesterday, i ended up at mosi cafe and then later at play where i talked to people from Action For Aids. and now, i think since i have no jobs during the holidays, i will volunteer with them.

we were talking about how to penetrate the malay/mulsim community because obviously, islam advocates NO sex before marriage. The main dude confessed that mosques and religious institutions have decided to turn away the organisation. which is really stupid. malay/muslim people have sex too, some contract STDs even after marriage because their wonderful significant other decides to do some person. and what about teenagers and schools? again, the same problem. the schools want to advocate abstinence but kids are still going to explore their own bodies with other people. duh.

so they gave out condoms and advocate safe sex. its one thing to advocate safe sex but i felt that there is a serious need to address the HIV virus. Condoms are not safe. perhaps, 95% safe at this point, and the HIV virus has a way of mutating to the point that certain strains have rendered the condom ineffective at prevention.

and then, there's the issue of people not getting tested. i am glad that the government makes all couples who want to get married get tested first. i went for the test myself and i was scared shit-less cause i had to wait an hour and a half for my results. it is a scary process but it is a way to catch the virus early and perhaps prolong life long enough for scientists and doctors to find a cure. i think what afa is doing is a step in the right direction but at the end of the day, individuals have to make that choice to get themselves in for a test. Its only $15 for a HIV test and it'll only take up 2 hours of a day. it really isn't that difficult and people still would not rather know whether they have it or not.

i do not have an issue if they are in monogomous relationships or are celibate. then if you don't want to go for a test, that is really your problem to deal with. but there are people who are irresponsible and that pisses me off.

i'm just ranting about this cause it bugs me. i mean people are concerned about getting killed by terrorists or cancer and they make such a big fuss about how their lives are in jeopardy. and then when it comes to protecting yourself from an unseen virus which can kill you, you do not care to act.

alah, i'm acting preachy. but i went through it and i encourage everyone to go for it if you are sexually active. please, be informed about these things. its quite a shame because coming from a country that places a high importance on education, people still remain ignorant. it is a shame.